Seven rugby predictions for 2015

1. Sam Burgess makes his debut for England against Italy in the Six Nations – at scrum-half. England boss Stuart Lancaster explains: “Bath and England couldn’t decide whether we wanted to play him at 6 or 12 so we met each other half way.”
2. Gloucester win at home.
3. After seeing attendances rise three-fold since moving from High Wycombe to Coventry, Wasps decide to relocate again – to Darlington. “As we head further north we seem to be attracting bigger and bigger crowds,” says chief executive Nick Eastwood. “If things go well in Darlington we’re thinking to heading to Reykjavik."
4. Leicester boss Richard Cockerill announces he has had enough of rugby and is taking monastic vows; he will head to Italy to join an order of Trappist monks high up in the Appenines. He will brew ale and tend to the bees. He invites former Leicester prop, Toulon potty-mouth and hairstyle icon Martin Castrogiovanni to join him. “Castro and I can have it out over that beer that I mentioned,” he says in a final interview with the Leicester Mercury. “But we won’t be able to say anything to one another because of the vows – which is probably a good job.
5. Castrogiovanni is furious. “Cockers cannot leave it alone,” he tells the press in a fruity post-match monologue. “Look at these locks. They are things of beauty. Do you think I’d have them cut off just so I could join him in holy orders? He is what you call in English an **** ******* ***."
6. Dan Carter, Aaron Cruden and Beauden Barrett all go down with mysterious stomach gripes on the eve of the final of the 2015 Rugby World Cup. A call goes out to Stephen Donald, who is out fishing for rare shrimp in the Japanese Sea, nailing a few bevvies. Donald gets on the next flight to Heathrow and slots the decisive drop goal against England – overhead.
7. Dylan Hartley announces his conversion to Buddhism and a lifetime’s commitment to passive resistance.

"Possibility of injury is a constant shadow" says England hooker Rob Webber

England hooker Rob Webber has expressed his sympathy for injured rival Tom Youngs and declared: “The threat of injury is a shadow we all walk in.”

Youngs will miss the Autumn Internationals at Twickenham due to surgery on a shoulder injury picked up against Bath last month, and Webber knows better than most the frustrations that Youngs is going through.

Webber’s own international career has been blighted by injury, first by a serious shoulder problem and then by an ankle problem.

The Bath hooker is competing with Northampton’s Dylan Hartley for the starting berth during the Autumn Tests, with England head coach Stuart Lancaster opting to have just two hookers in the enlarged 41-strong squad confirmed this evening.

Webber, who has been capped eight times since making his debut in 2012, told me: “I feel for Tom. I’ve had my injuries and I’ve been there myself.

“The possibility of injury is a constant shadow that follows a player around.

“Staying fit is a critical part of professional rugby. Hopefully I’ve not jinxed it by saying that and hopefully I can have a good run."

Watch out One Direction! There could be a scrum for the Christmas number one

If One Direction started going to the gym, played with oval balls and grew 'taches, the result might be something like this:

(l to r) Chris Bell, Ben Ransom, Elliot Daly, Will Fraser, James Haskell and Dylan Hartley show off their taches after a trip to a barbers in Covent Garden for Movember. Picture: Garry Bowden/Pinnacle

And Saracens' Ben Ransom would surely have to be the frontman. Just look at those cherubic features. Watch out Harry Styles!

Picture: Garry Bowden/Pinnacle

Wasps' Elliot Daly, meanwhile, looks like he missed his vocation as a RAF pilot. Chocks away, Wing Commander Daly!

Picture: Garry Bowden/Pinnacle

To donate to Movember and raise money to support the fight against testicular and prostate cancer, go to http://uk.movember.com/donate